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Is it just me, or are toilets shrinking? I know, I was a much smaller person years ago – both due to age and weight, but seriously… I don’t recall having toilets that felt as if I were perching on the rim of a chamber pot, ok?

I realize that the newer “low flow” crappers are the latest rage, and often requirement… And I’m not even going to argue how they often require more than one flush (thus rendering them LESS efficient) whereas the older models would take care of your business with an authoritative swoosh. That’s not my problem here.

My problem is, in my house there are three – count ‘em, three – toilets. And I swear, each is about a third of the size of my older toilets. These things have tiny, ROUND seats and bowls. Yes, round. As in circular. And they’re tiny. My skinny 10 year old couldn’t “fall in” to one of these things. I recall the days when even a less-than-svelte body could accidentally get a wet ass thanks to some man leaving the seat up.

Now, I’m about to be just a little bit graphic, ok? So if you don’t want to hear about bodily functions and cleaning up after them – stop reading NOW. However, any parent has had to clean up behind a kid – so you know what’s coming. Ready? Good. Here we go.

My OLD house still had the early low-flow toilet in it (yes, toilet – singular – as in ONE for FOUR people. Yeah.) It was basically the OLD style toilet with a smaller water tank. Which means, it had a BIG, kind of oval shaped bowl. And if some thoughtless male in my house left the seat up, even my fat ass would slip in and receive an unpleasant, wet and cold surprise. It meant that little boys had plenty of room to aim and rarely “missed” their mark. It meant that young girls had plenty of room to do their business and rarely left tell tale signs of the monthly visitor on the toilet seat. It meant when you sat down, you had no problem having room to clean up after the fact.

My new place has THREE toilets. I said that already, didn’t I? Yes, I did. And all three of them are new-fangled, uber-low-flow round things. All of which means that young boys now have much LESS room to aim, and often (late at night, early in the morning) miss their mark. It also means that young ladies have a hell of a time not making a mess while taking care of their monthly business. It means that any reasonable size human being has a challenge getting themselves cleaned up after doing their business. Which all makes for an interesting time on cleaning day. Ew. OK?

And, here is the real kicker, it also means that when you come home after having had a bit too much to drink, and you sit down on the throne to let out a bit of water – if you are not situated just so, you can wet yourself in a rather spectacular way – as in, all over the seat front, and all over your pants – which are bunched about knee height, a perfectly SAFE location with normal toilets.

So, I wanna know something. What skinny little toilet engineer, who obviously had NO children beyond potty-training age (since these little things would be great for that) decided that all of us adults should be sitting on things that more resemble a child’s potty chair than a regular “commode”? Who in their right mind would want to be cleaning these things? This is not a case of smaller-is-easier here – it may mean there is less toilet to scrub and wipe – but it also means that more shit (pun not intended) get all over the damn things.

I’m trying to imagine how anyone who is truly fat would ever manage to use one of these – I have horrible images of calling 911 to extricate a toilet from a person (and yes, that’s what I meant…) I mean, you have to have good balance and be very aware of your body position in order to feel comfortable here. It’s a yoga trick, I’m sure.

Out of curiosity, I looked at toilets at the local home improvement warehouse (those are scary places!) and discovered that these are the “normal” toilets. You can get bigger ones – for a price, and oh – what a price. So, I’m convinced that somewhere out there, there is a black market for the standard, regular flow, woosh of water, flush it once, fall into the bowl, BIG toilets. And ya know what? I want THREE of them!