Conquering Fear…

I am about to embark on a new page – heck a new chapter – in my life.

While I know this is where my life’s experiences have been leading me, and I know everything up to this point has been just what I needed to experience… I am still on an edge – looking into the unknown.

I am still – still, still, still – waiting for the divorce to be final – that in itself is a big change. The issues around that are varied, deep and not worth going into.

My job has – once again – experienced a subtle shift, offering more responsibility while at the same time, less, offering more freedom while at the same time requiring more time.

And perhaps most importantly, my view of my self is finally changing. I am working on my health – gaining control of weight issues, learning to live as an asthmatic, etc – and I am learning to accept myself, who I am, what I am, and to not fear the things I do, the things I can do, the things I like to do.

Along with that has come renewed passion – for life, for others, for the lives of others… And a reaching out to new areas, new horizons, new people…

It has me excited. It has me thrilled. It has me jumping for joy.

It has me terrified.

No amount of acknowledgement or acceptance form others will ever make up for not being able to acknowledge or accept yourself. No amount of validation from others will take the place of self validation. And that is what I am finally learning.

I realized recently, while browsing through journals both here and elsewhere, that I have spent much of the last 13 years in hibernation. That the last year has been a period of awakening. That now, fully awake, I am looking at a new world, or perhaps, I am looking at the old world, with new eyes.

This new view has hope, it has promise and most of all – it’s completely and totally outside of my known world – though that box was cramped, though it was hateful – it was known.

And so I look forward with these new eyes, as an explorer, a discoverer – and I take the first steps on this new path, not knowing what is ahead, but not fearing it either.

I am who I am – I love and respect who I have become and this is MY path, I will walk it with pride.