Do these jeans make my butt look fat?

No, honey, your butt is just fat, it’s not the jeans, trust me!

No woman in her right mind should ever ask her man that question. And no man who values his masculinity would ever give that answer.

I never ask, and my honey never answers. I know I need to lose a few – read here – however, I also know that clothes can and do make the woman.

I spend a lot of time in jeans, and I really have this thing against “Mom Jeans” – those usually comfortable but terribly unflattering and downright matronly looking things that can transform even a svelte, sexy young thing into a decidedly dowdy “Mom” with the swish of a zipper. Since I already bear distinct resemblance to the quintessential suburban housewife (though I do not, and will never, sport the “Soccer Mom” ‘do!) I figure I do not need any additional help via denim.

Thus my quest for the “perfect pair of jeans” – in my world “perfect” means they are snug enough to look “tight, but either stretchy enough, or loose enough that I can still move and breathe in them, they also must not come up over my belly button, be reasonably “cool” looking, not give me the dreaded muffin top, boot cut, long enough to wear with heels (what, you thought I meant cowboy boots? C’mon! Who are you talking about here?) They must also be comfortable.

Oh, and perhaps most importantly, not make my ass look any bigger than it actually is.

And every female reading this has just fallen out of her chair, laughing her head off and gasping, between guffaws of uncontrolled hysterics, “She’s got to be kidding, right? Such jeans just do not exist in this universe!”

Well, yes, they do, and I found them.

I tend to buy ONE pair of a particular type of jeans – trying them out in real life, not just in the fitting room, until I am convinced they are worthy of wearing. Then, when I finally decide they are straight from heaven, I go to buy several pairs, usually finding they have since been discontinued, or worse, “improved” in some way that may be an improvement to somebody but certainly is not to me.

And so, ask me how thrilled I was when the pair of jeans that in the dressing room had seemed just a tad snug (read – I couldn’t breathe) after washing proved to be the epitome of perfection. Now, ask me if I’m going to quickly go buy a few more pair of them before they decide to “improve” these as well.

PS – for the record, yes, that is my butt and no there was not a gun to my head when I decided to put that shot on this blog. It just seemed the best way to illustrate my point – ample rear and all.

PPS – yes, I’ve done a few posts today – it so happens I have the time, finally, to put up some stuff I’ve been working on. It also so happens that I will likely not have the time to do so in the next couple of days. Though, I’ve got a major rant coming up about a certain household behavior!