Dealbreakers… Dude, g’bye!

Dealbreakers, those all-important things that will make us walk away from an otherwise good (???) thing. We’ve all got them, and sometimes, we ignore them. Bad idea. Despite plenty of bad-turned-good stories from the mythical, but oh-so-totally real friend-of-my-sister’s-friend’s-cousin.

Work research took me to the page and they had run a series of somewhat humorous “dealbreaker” stories. It made me sit back and think… a lot… And like a typical writer, I started thinking of what my own “dealbreaker” story would look like.

And that’s when it hit me… which one?

I have a slight penchant for finding humor in the most humorless of places. And I have a very slight tendency to poke fun at the world in the form of rants written with a twist of sarcasm and a dash of laughter. Plus I have an attitude about past mistakes that says, “Whatever. It was life. I had a good time. Shit happens. I will not live with regrets.”

Add that all up and it means I can look back over (insert mumbled count of many years here) of relationships and write something funny about the demise of each and every one of them. So what would my “dealbreaker” story be? Let’s see if I can come up with the top ten, in no particular order…

The Stupid One
The Navy guy who, after a whopping two weeks of casual dating surprised me with a large, full-color dragon tattoo on his arm – emblazoned with my name.
Yeah, I’m thinking bad choice, dude. G’bye.

The Player (AKA Cheater Type 1)
The guy who, on a Sunday date, told me how much he wanted to settle down with me and start a family. Then in the very next breath said he was “out of commission” because he had gotten a little raw from the six dates he had been on during the first part of the weekend (four on Saturday, two on Friday – but he kept Sundays open for me).
Thanks dude, but ummm… I think I’ll pass. G’bye.

The Cheater Type 2
This one neglected to tell me he was married until after we had sex.
Um, yeah, not into being your dirty little secret. G’bye.

The Mama’s Boy
The guy who suddenly turned from a nice guy to an asshole overnight, and when confronted about it confessed that he was hoping to piss me off so I would break up with him because his mother didn’t like me and he couldn’t bring himself to actually do it himself.
Well dude, you got something right. G’bye.

The Abuser
The guy who decided the appropriate response to an argument was to slap me.
Game. Over. G’bye.

The Psycho Nut Job
He had some really strange government conspiracy theories going on that made the wildest, most out-there episode of the X-Files sound totally plausible, and they were all out to get him because he knew the truth.
Wow, holy paranoia Batman! G’bye.

The Bigoted Racist
This one thought I was a slut because I had in the past: performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show, had more sexual partners than he had, and (gasp! horror! shock!) dated a black guy.
So, wait, I’m an immoral slut in your book, but you’ll date me anyway so long as I feel sufficiently thankful that you’ve rescued me from myself? G’bye.

The Addict
He kept having to borrow money from me, “lost” valuable items for weeks at a time (code for – “they’re in the pawn shop”), had horrific mood swings and couldn’t always um, perform.
Hey, that’s what drugs will do to ya – sorry, dude, I am not supporting your habit. G’bye.

The Loser
He got kicked out of the military, couldn’t hold a job to save his life, rarely had a running car and when he did would rather see his guy friends than his girlfriend.
Dude, apparently, nothing is important to you, so… G’bye.

The Excuse Maker
Invited his parents to dinner to meet me for the first time – they were on time, he wasn’t. Stranded me (as in left, taking tickets and cash with) in a foreign country three times – once in Jamaica, twice in Mexico. And numerous smaller things – each time, he had an excuse for his behavior.
Dude, there is this little thing called trust – you don’t have mine. Took me long enough to learn. G’bye.