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I first wrote this bit several years ago, but after yet another year of seeing Christmas invade stores before Halloween even happens, and the latest complaints of the “attack on Christmas” (over Starbucks cups… really?), I figured it was time for a repost.

And with that… We’d like to announce that we will no longer celebrate individual holidays. Effective as of January 2016, the following will be the new official holiday schedule. Please mark your calendars accordingly.

New Val Pat’s Day – starting around the middle of December and running through mid-March is this epic celebration of new beginnings, love and the luck of the Irish. It’s a great excuse for drinking, indulging in too much chocolate, kissing, pinching those not wearing green and oh yes, more drinking.

EasMaFa – close on the heels of New Val Pat’s Day is this springtime holiday that celebrates birth and parenting. It stretches from mid-March through to mid-June and children are particularly fond of the early parts of the celebration that include visits from a secretive, anthropomorphic rabbit who hides eggs and chocolate for them to find. Moms tend to enjoy the hand-made gifts their children give them and of course, a (burnt) breakfast in bed followed by dinner out. Dads can look forward to more bad ties.

Patriotic Season – stretching from the old Memorial Day through Labor Day, the summer months are filled with flag celebrations, parades, fireworks and picnics. Red, white and blue will be everywhere and will be amply punctuated with luau and other beach themes. This also coincides with summer vacation. Toward the end of the season, expect to see promotions for the following season…

Fall Season – starting in the still-sweltering days of August, you will start to see sweaters and fall accessories filling shelves, along with lots of plaid. The season starts with Back-to-School days and continues through the early parts of Halanksmas.

Halanksmas – comes immediately on the heels of Back-to-School days and runs through the end of the year. It’s a simultaneous onslaught of ghosts, goblins, gobblers and jolly old fat men in red suits that has entirely replaced Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. To be more inclusive, the later portion of this holiday may also be called Chrismahannukwanzika to ensure those celebrating Hanukkah and Kwanza are not left out.

Sports Seasons – these are peppered throughout the year and overlap other holidays and seasons. In America, baseball and football are the primary sports, starting with baseball’s Spring Training and running all the way through the Super Bowl. Non-sports fans may get a short reprieve during the time between Super Bowl and the start of Spring Training.

High Sales Days – throughout the year, there are things like Columbus Day, President’s Day and other “days” that at one point meant something, but that have become nothing more than an excuse for yet another sale promotion. Oh, and for the Federal Government to shut down, and for no mail delivery.